TRUST, HONESTY & OPEN COMMUNICATION

What makes me The Natural Dom?

There were many times in the past when I wrote this blog from 2004 - late 2009 when I adopted an online persona that was egotistical, boisterous, opinionated and yet had a thread of honesty behind every post. There was also the issue of trust, usually at the forefront of every post and at the center of every session, and it became a benchmark for me. And finally the idea of open communication. That meant sharing your wishes, fantasies & desires with your Dom. That meant giving me feedback during the aftercare portion of our sessions. That meant being brutally honest about having another Dom, a boyfriend, a husband, another lover...or telling me when something between us just wasn't working...or in most cases, that you were either scared or just not ready for the BDSM D/s lifestyle that you had fantasized about for so long.

Tonight I am writing about two recent cases in an effort to illustrate why Trust, Honesty and Open Communication are so important to me.

The submissive known as "Squishy"

1) Most recently I had a brief encounter with a submissive who did not tell me she had another Dominant in her life. In her mind she believed that the relationship was over which was why she sought me out online. After two separate nights, one of which was a basic vanilla outing to a quick dinner and a relaxing movie, I got an email from the Dom she had been seeing. I immediately sent her a text telling her about it and that it was her responsibility to take care of the problem. It wasn't so much of a problem for me, because as I have said here many times, I don't compete.

A few nights later, when I thought things had been taken care of and we were aiming to set another weekend session day, I got a call from the other Dominant. My first thought was "How did he get my private celphone number?"...my second immediate thought was expressed directly to him. "Sorry, but this isn't my problem. You need to handle this yourself and don't call me again." hanging up on him and immediately using my real life background to trace the number and get name, address & other information about him as a form of protection in the event things took a turn for the worse with a jealous Dom. I texted the submissive again and told her that this obviously wasn't handled properly and to take care of the issue.

This goes to Trust & Honesty in a number of ways. The primary lie was to me about still having or not having a Dom. In subsequent ads on various sites I have made it clear that there are only four dealbreakers...two of them are that you are married...the other is having another Dominant. In this case the most important issue was Trust...the Dominant had obviously gotten her cellphone, email password and other information and used it to contact me directly. How does that work exactly? Do you not have enough trust in each other to not spy on someone's emails and cellphone texts? That tells me that their relationship isn't as strong as they both believe it is...beyond the fact that she went looking for other satisfaction while still engaged with him. It was also proven less than 10 days later when I saw a repost of a very familiar ad on Craigslist that was indeed her...looking again for a Dom.

There are many stories out there of a particular group of women who are knowingly and openly playing one Dom against another, juggling more than three Doms a week, and generally acting like golddiggers trying to get whatever they can from these guys in a never ending circle of deception, lies and deceit. They do the D/s BDSM community no favors. I have passed on a number of prospective submissives because I see the pattern in their language almost immediately. I may even be hypersensitive to it and pass because there is something not quite right about their email...and again, it does more harm than good for these subs to play the games they are playing.

"Squishy" in position after spanking/before anal

2) Submission isn't about pain. It's truly about training your mind and body to surrender control to a Dominant who is there to protect you, meet your needs and ensure you are safe when practicing very controlled mental & physical acts. If you believe it's about a quick fuck and a spanking...or about a "casual encounter"...or being an FWB...then you don't truly understand the D/s mind or a BDSM relationship. I can offer you a nice night of a good hard spanking and a quick fuck. I can do that virtually every day of the week. But when you come to me under the premise of being a pain slut, having left your current boyfriend because he just isn't satisfying you in a number of ways, and you open the door to intense, detailed conversation about your pain levels, your unending search for a Dom who can actually deliver the levels of pain you've been seeking for years, your hunger for a true sadist who can unleash himself behind closed doors yet uphold a gentlemanly appearance in public...then of course it's going to be a deeper relationship than just a quick fuck and a hand to the ass.

That type of relationship requires the Dominant to explore every aspect of your personality & is rooted in the education of the Dom as to what drives the submissive both inside and out of the sessions. I have been chastised by some for caring too much. Yet when submissives are in a session with me they rave about the aftercare, the intelligence with which I created the scenario and the attention to detail...especially when it came to my memory for the small things that can make a difference. That comes from caring.

It doesn't come from wanting a long term relationship. It doesn't come from wanting a fuck buddy as a "go-to" booty call. It doesn't come from being clingy, desperate or needy. It comes from a true sense of how intricate these D/s & BDSM sessions can be, especially if the driving force behind the submissive's satisfaction is much more mental than physical.

"Squishy" an example of small breast bondage with flat rope

My style of D/s practice is much more intimate than some submissives are used to. I believe it comes from so many so-called Doms not being able to deliver because they are indeed spank 'em & fuck 'em & send 'em home type of guys who have no business calling themselves a capital D dominant. They may have dominant personality traits but they fall short in being able to devote themselves to understanding the female (or male) body and the submissive mind.

Let's talk about the female body. Do you REALLY know the female body in all it's beauty and it's unpleasantness? By example from a recent encounter... Can you handle a female's "monthly friend"? Are you aware of the days when the female has a heavy flow? Cramps? The tenderness their abdomen or vaginal tissue might have during that period? The increased level of horniness just before and just after that period? The long standing feeling of embarrassment the female feels around that time because it's been indoctrinated into their mind that they shouldn't talk about it? ...I don't have a problem with any of that. It's part of a woman's sexuality. If you can't relate to a natural body function what chance do you really have to understand the extraordinary requests she has to be spanked, have her nipples tortured, enact a rape scene, be forced against her will to submit to acts of degradation & humiliation...all part of the multi-layered human experience that Doms & subs need to understand.

So when a submissive says to be that they didn't expect to be offered a dinner out, or a quick text in the middle of the day, or a call to see how they are doing, or any attention beyond the bedroom, I wonder if they would feel the same if the Dominant just satisfied himself left the submissive at the doorstep and didn't contact them again until they needed to get off sexually. It's my knowledge of you that makes you mine. I understand you or can come to understand you through the follow up. I can come to understand you in a way that no one else will. But that doesn't come over a five minute conversation on the sofa before dragging you into the bedroom.

...and finally...

I was going to write about a darling woman who is barely out of her teen years that I have been speaking to for two months. She is 22 years old and a local university student. She is also a virgin. She is a beautiful African American girl from a strict family. And...she is a practicing Muslim. Any man, yet alone a Dominant, would salivate at the thought of being with this beautiful girl...she is under the head scarf and behind those modest clothes, a cum slut who craves to be taken forcefully, orally, vaginally and anally...to the point of perhaps becoming a porn star in the model of Jasmine Byrne (pictured) whom she resembles.

She wants someone to own her...to train her...and take her roughly...but she is scared of the reaction if anyone in her family ever found out. She indeed loves me in the way that she understands love. Her family has already moved her back to her home city. She is as natural a submissive as I am a Dominant. She is the subject of a future column as a case study in sexual frustration driven by cultural limitations.

"The Muslim Sexual Submissive" is coming soon to the TND blog.

The Muslim Sexual Submissive

For now we send you to bed to ponder & reflect in the hope that you'll better understand what makes you and I unique in the world of D/s & BDSM...sleep well peeps, peers & perverts.

~ TND