This time I turned the tables and reached out to one of my most trusted submissives...sub-named "Nibbles". She was never collared by me but joined us for several play dates, one of which included a night where she spent a good 30 minutes tied to the door of the hotel room while I coaxed her very first orgasm out of her. She actually wrote a college thesis paper on D/s & BDSM play and is one of the more intelligent women I've ever had the pleasure of knowing. Although she is now married with a handsome young son we remain friends.
I asked Nibbles the following point blank question: "Do you think I cared too much for the subbies...maybe getting too deep into some relationships?"
Her answer refined the question down to the basics...eliminating co-dependency and the Giving Tree where someone gives & gives & gives until there is nothing left to give. She said, "I think it's reasonable to have at least some emotional investment in relationships and subbies aren't an exception to that. I'll tell you that from a subbie perspective, it took me a long time to get over my last and I'm not even sure if I'm completely over it either... It takes a long time. These kind of relationships can be rather intense."
To quote from her undergraduate thesis: "Individuals who partake in an alternative sexual lifestyle and practices often face social stigma in various forms. The effects of social stigma on this unique population with a special emphasis on the sadomasochism community will be explored to identify broader ramifications that social stigma brings upon various relationships, employment, health care services, and mental health services."
Continuing by quoting Thomas S. Weinberg, "...the first step in studying sadomasochism is to define what is meant by the term sadomasochism. There seems to be a lack of consensus as to the meaning of sadomasochism. Weinberg notes, “The behaviors and identities within the sadomasochistic subculture are tremendously varied…[definitions] give the behavior a specific contextual meaning” (290). In his research, Weinberg identified five constituents of sadomasochism: dominance and submission, role playing, consensuality, a sexual context, and a mutual definition shared by individuals and/or a group (1984: 379). When all the social constituents previously mentioned are present, the behavior is said to be sadomasochistic. For example, some individuals may partake in behaviors that could be considered to be sadomasochistic in nature, such as bondage, but these individuals do not identify their behaviors as such—and therefore lacking the last social constituent of sadomasochism that Weinberg identified: a mutual definition shared by individuals and/or group."
"For the purpose of this study, sadomasochism will be described as an alternative sexual lifestyle that relies upon a hierarchical power structure within a sexual context and may include pain, role playing, and/or a fetish, such as a fixation with feet or latex as sexual and/or physical stimulation. This definition of sadomasochism integrates certain, if not all, elements from previous definitions of sadomasochism. In this study, a distinction is also made between abuse and sadomasochism with the recognition of sadomasochism as a desired, consensual behavior between individuals who are legally adults."
- It's quite clear from the remainder of her brilliant thesis, as well as from the numerous sources she quoted, that indeed there are "normal" elements of a relationship within the various, often intricate layers of a D/s BDSM partnership, regardless of the level of sadomasochistic play. There are identities that approach BDSM play in a cold disconnected fashion, while others become addicted to the relationship as deeply as they are addicted to sex itself.
Please feel free to comment on this article.
~ TND
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